Sunday, March 25, 2012

Chicken Recipe, it was much requested

In a crockpot, mix a large greedy kid handful of brown sugar (like ¼ cup), about 3 bottle “gups”- you kow that sound liquid out of bottles makes? Yeah that... three of those of balsamic vinegar (1/4 cup if you’re one of THOSE people), some soy sauce- I use safeways orange ginger soy sauce its cheap and works well. How much of that? I dunno, I just let it ooze out the bottle. It reminds me of cool sci-fi sludge cause its thick sO I like to watch it creep out the bottle. If you used real regular soy sauce you could just kinda make a guess and if it turns out gross give it to the dog. Or your teenager who pissed you off. Now take your favorite brand of Orange Juice and toss some of that in. I think this needs about 6 gups. I said gups not cups! Were you paying attention to know what a gup is? So, then in addition to all that fun liquid use a garlic press and murder the heck out of 2-3 cloves. It makes your hands smell delicious, I promise. Now you smell like a real chef, minus the curly mustache. Now that you’re cooking fake an accent, it will impress people. Sprinkle in some dry red pepper flakes. I use one shake for each thing my husband has done that pissed me off that week, since he hates spicier food. You can always add more later if needed, but maybe 4 quick shakes is good. Add some boneless chicken, 1-1.5 lbs. I never weigh the stuff but that is about how much I imagine it is. Add more if you want to feed more people. I add more because I like to eat myself silly in front of the TV. Don’t judge, Walmart sells stretchy pants for a reason. And ya know, leftovers. So yeah, sauce, dead chicken- turn to coat. Cook, covered, until the chicken is cooked through and very tender, 6 to 7 hours on low or 3 to 4 hours on high. Or 2 hours after you realize the house smells good and you’re hungry.

Sometime before the chicken is devoured cook some rice. Don’t ask me how, just read the damn rice box. Did you know rice now comes in little “boil it in this bag” bags? Saves me from having to scrub a pot because rice pots always suck to scrub. You can also get “crockpot bags” to cook crockpot food in so when you’re done you toss the bag and your crockpot is clean. Genius. I support inventions that allow me to be lazy. Like the Snuggie. God bless the snuggie... is it a backwards robe? A stylish outfit for walmart trips? A blankey? Who knows! But this is about cooking, not the snuggie (of which i own 5, in case you were curious)

If you want to be fancy: Cut away the peel and white gunk of the orange. Cut the orange into thin half-moons and place in a medium bowl. You can cut up two scallions and fold those in as well. Scallions is just some stuffy rich white persons idea of green onions. Is that racist? I’m white, can I say that? Okay, it’s what multicultural PC people of high wealth say. I don’t know these people, but if I did that’s what they would say. They would have curly mustaches and accents to. You know they would. All the best villains do and they are always rich, they save money by skipping therapy and buying suped up lazer powertools of death.

ANYWAY using two forks, gently shred the chicken into medium pieces and stir into the cooking liquid. Or ya know, just attack the chicken with whatever stirring device you’ve been using. Don’t lie to me- you stirred it with something and checked on it several times. And whats this “gently” crap? Thats what cookbooks always say. What- are you trying to make friends with the food? Its DEAD! Take your anger out on it. The lettuce also, because you need a head of lettuce. Ever wonder where they hid the rest of the lettuce body? These are the things I think about. So now you fill the lettuce leaves with the rice and top with the chicken and the orange mixture if you went fancy.

Eat. Enjoy. Ponder where the body of lettuce is.

Friday, March 23, 2012

You're never to old...

You are never to old to play dress up when what you should be doing is cleaning up the messy office you have behind you in a photo.

True Love Is...

True Love is...

taking out the stinky or heavy trash without being asked. I was going to do it (2-3 days ago) but avoiding it seemed like a better solution at the time.

Xoxo.